better living through chemistry

if my hormones are not regulated quick-smart, i am seriously going to injure someone. there's no 2 ways about it.

i have been unregulated for going-on-3-months now. before that i'd had a solid 12 years of happy, anal retentive chemical control, courtesy of our friend the triphasic birth control pill. from ages 18-30 i didn't ovulate, didn't have so much as half a menstrual cramp, a twinge of PMS, a period-related zit. it was heaven after my first few years of official womandom, which consisted of monthly bouts of crippling abdominal pain, digestive shutdown to the point of distension and horrid skin eruptions.

a few months ago my health insurance changed and, inexplicably, i started having problems accessing women's health services. turns out they had entered me into the system as a biological male and as such, i was being flagged as not needing uterus-related services. then my provider left my network, prescriptions ran out and long story short, here i am in a gap between forms of hormonal regulation. now i'm back to feeling like my uterus is attempting a speedy getaway from my abdomen on a monthly basis, at the same time my face takes on the appearance of a volcano field and my emotions render me unsafe to be around sharp objects. it is positively ridiculous. and it absolutely must stop.

there is, however, a happy ending to this. tomorrow the Decemberween Fairy will deliver my ultimate holiday gift in the form of a Mirena. seasons effing greetings to me!

grateful

i meant to post this for Gratefulsgiving but was too busy being a cough-monster. pretend i was more timely.

Dani's Patented Novemberween List of Stuff for Which She's Grateful

• my immune system, which keeps me hale/healthy more often than not.
• the fact that the marks on my body are all consensual in nature, and bestowed upon me in love.
• having people i don't mind being naked around, in ways that are not necessarily sexual.
• my family of origin, with whom i connect as much as i am capable. how much that actually is varies depending on time of year/my relationship status/my hair color/how much tattoo work i have had done recently/the political party of the current administration/etc.
• the fact that i am currently in a full-time, tenure-track job (regardless of how that whole "getting tenure" thing goes) that i really fucking love.
• my family of choice, at whom i still marvel on a daily basis. i have no idea how you all found me and i hope i get to hang onto you for a goodlong while.
• the fact that even though i am not particularly overjoyed at the current physical state of my body, i am capable of doing something about it, if i ever get off my ass.
• the fact that my fucking 20s are fucking over. i will be grateful for this for the rest of my life.
• having people to kiss. yummy.

#dailyconversationalfauxpas

[Dr. Dani is in campus Learning Center dropping-off a make-up exam for a student]

Friendly Learning Center Staff Member: Is it a fun exam?

Dr. Dani: All of my exams are fun!

Eavesdropping Nearby Professor in White Linen Suit: That's a great answer! I want you in one of my classes! (Implication: "You must be a student in a get-up like that!")

[awkward pause]

DD: Um, dude ... I'm a professor, too.

ENPIWLS: [stammering] Ah ... oh ... right ... of course ... well yes ... well I mean you could still audit ... [flees]

fuckall

I Have Gotten Fuckall Done This Week i said from my therapist's couch. i lamented my current level of tiredness, high degree of distractability, inability to concentrate. What Have You Been Up To Lately she asked me. i told her and she decided it sounded like i was living my life and enjoying it. Where Are You In Your Menstrual Cycle she asked me. Shit If I Know i replied. It Is A Full Moon Right Now You Know she said. That Can Have An Effect On These Things. i gave her a Dubious Eyebrow by way of reply. Maybe You Can Give Yourself A Break she suggested. i sighed.

I Have Gotten Fuckall Done This Week i said to one of my Bestie Clan as we drank beers in a bar decorated like Beetlejuice's innards. Hey Yeah Me Too he replied. he lamented his current high degree of distractability and inability to concentrate. Where Are You In Your Menstrual Cycle i asked him. I'm Not Sure he replied But I Did Just Buy Some Pads To Be Safe. It Is A Full Moon Right Now You Know i said. That Can Have An Effect On These Things. Oh Yes he replied. That Is An Excellent Point. So What You're Saying Is That You Too Feel Like An Under-Ritalined 7-Year-Old i asked. Yes he replied. Most Definitely. Okay i said. As Long As It's Not Just Me.

low

3-day weekends are supposed to be about fun. the ever-present smell of grilling and echoed shouts and laughter reminded me of this, creeping in through my window nonstop until i woke-up this morning. i knew it might be long and difficult and felt silly admitting this at any point because ... well, it's stupid isn't it? why should i care about her birthday, that i can't wish her a happy one, that the cards would be returned or ripped to shreds, the flowers stomped to bits or brought back to my doorstep if she knew where it was? the following day, what would've been our anniversary, hurt more when I met a couple that'd picked the same wedding date that we had. i tried to listen along happily as they described plans for their burlesque extravaganza nuptials but all i felt was the constant sensation of a thick-soled boot in my ribs. my best attempts at nesting did nothing to soothe, nor did alone time. i will ride this out as i do, and will likely eventually lose this feeling in the busy-ness of my day-to-day until it sneaks up and temporarily crushes me again, whenever that next time may be.

present for myself

my "yay, i survived godforsaken summer session" treat

these bloomers from 5 & Diamond














these socks from Sock Dreams


















this shirt which i already own (and have yet to be able to wear with anything until now)


















now i just need to figure my footwear and i'm set. it's downright circuspunk-y and i love it to pieces.

best conversation of the weekend

Atrain: I touched something and I don't want to tell you what because you're going to be maaaaaaaad.

Dani: Was it the cake?

Atrain: Noooooooooooo ...

Dani: Okay ... what did you touch?

Atrain: [whispering now] I don't want to tell you because I'm afraid you'll get mad.

Dani: How about I promise I won't get mad, and then you can tell me what you touched?

Atrain: [considers for a moment] ... okay.

Dani: Okay. I promise I won't get mad. Here, we'll Pinky Swear.

[impromptu tutorial ensues on finer points of Pinky Swear]

Dani: Okay, so ... what did you touch?

Atrain: The caaaaaaaaake.

Where to find Dani @ Pride 2009

Pink Saturday (today): hanging in Dolores pre-Dykemarch, possibly marching during Dykemarch, possibly @ Eagle post-Dykemarch. make use of le cellphone.

Gay Sunday (tomorrow) - slinging gay margaritas to benefit San Francisco Sex Information 1-4pm on Larkin @ McAllister. come find me!

Happy Pride, all!