25 August 2011

Francis

today i learned that we've lost Francis. he was a dear friend of my father's and the only holy man i will ever trust.

Francis and my father met because they were both EMTs who volunteered for our local First Aid Squad. they became close and i regularly heard stories of their times together. Francis also happened to be a Franciscan friar and eventually his spiritual work took him back to upstate New York where he'd grown up. even so, he and Dad remained in contact and Francis would visit when he was in town.

when Dad got sick, a lot of things changed. one of the most striking for me was watching my "I'm as close to being an atheist as you can be without actually being one" father suddenly turn to the divine for solace. my usually "Easter and Christmas, and only because Mom makes us" family suddenly began attending mass on days i hadn't actually known churches were open. Dad started wearing medals of various stripes. and Francis came to visit more often. in addition to training as a friar he was also trained in social work, and he became an unofficial therapist for my parents. when it became clear that Dad was going to die, it was Francis who counseled each of them. it's the only therapy in which i've ever seen either parent be willing to take part.

when Dad died, it was decided that Francis would perform his funeral mass, including his eulogy. he summoned many of Dad's closest friends to our living room and, over beers, listened to them share stories about him. he listened intently, encouraged the conversation and took careful notes. and he turned that conversation of friends into a warm, loving and just-plain-beautiful eulogy that spoke volumes to the relationship that he and the others had shared with Dad. he even tried to learn to growl like Bob Segar, to properly reproduce the song i'd asked him to play for me. i could not have imagined finding comfort in any of that experience, yet he brought some to me.

i received an email from Dad's best friend this morning, letting me know that Francis had died unexpectedly. and even though i have not talked to this man in years, or ever established much in the way of my own relationship with him, i was absolutely crushed. in part, because the world needs him. in part, because it reminded me of losing Dad all over again. i don't believe in life after death, but i can't shake the image of Dad and Francis, sitting on a cloud somewhere, chatting over beers.

take care, Father Gunn. and thanks so much.

29 July 2011

your parents, in great detail

growing up, my concept of "family" centered on groups of 3, because my family was Mom, Dad and me. there were aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents ... but most of these were peripheral and only appeared at holidays. i didn't feel connected to them the way i felt connected to Mom and Dad. i never noticed or minded my lack of siblings in part because i was so close to them and they were so involved with me. i have great memories of Dad regularly terrifying me with images from his trauma manuals and Mom constantly butchering the words to songs she swore she knew. it was a good childhood.

Dad got sick a few months into my freshman year of high school and it suddenly occurred to me, for the first time since that initial horrifying revelation when i was 5 or so, that my parents were going to die and i was most likely going to have to live through it. unbeknownst to us, Dad would be gone in less than a year, and that year was filled with more heartache and growing-up than i am in the mood to convey at this point in time. i've written about him before here. from there on, it was just Mom and me.

i've watched Mom change a lot in the 17 years Dad has been gone. for all of her Stern Math Teacher-ness, she spent much of her time living in his shadow when he was around. i've watched her express much anger and frustration about their relationship and how he carried himself in the world. i've watched her realize/admit that she had spent her life, up until the point where she was suddenly a widow, making decisions that pleased other people (her parents, her husband, her child) and so didn't know how to figure out what she wanted for herself. and i've watched her retire and really come into her raucous, hellion single 60-something-year-old own. i am pleased to report that i cannot get a hold of her on most days and often do not know what state/country she is in at any given time.

the family i knew, the magical group of 3, is no more. Dad is gone, Mom and i live 3000 miles apart and while we are still close and connected, we are each busy exploring and discovering on our own. it is both happy and sad, and likely as it should be.

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28 July 2011

your first love, in great detail

i met Case sophomore year of high school, at a statewide conference where overachieving 16-year-olds from all over NJ got together to out-overachiever one another. nothing romantic happened at the time - we were there for just a weekend and i had a steady boyfriend at home - but we kept in touch throughout the following years. we would run into each other on occasion since we were both in marching bands that sometimes competed against each other. mostly we wrote the occasional letter since AOL wasn't even up and running yet.

we ran into each other again senior year, at marching band championships. we started talking and the next thing we knew it was an hour later and the respective friends we'd been hanging with had ditched and left us alone together. again, nothing romantic happened - i had yet another steady boyfriend - but it suddenly occurred to me that i wanted to spend more time with this person. so we would hang out in ways that were completely respectful of my relationship, one or the other of us driving the 10 miles between - Case said later that he was always left feeling like something was "unfinished" after these times together. months later said steady boyfriend and i parted ways and Case and i kissed for the first time. i wasn't okay with this for lots of reasons - i was fresh out of a relationship and felt it would be rude to my ex to jump into a new relationship so soon. in addition, Case and i were both about to graduate from high school and head off to our respective college lives -- the end of senior year was not the time to be starting a serious relationship, and i couldn't see being anything but serious with a person i cared about as much as i cared about him. so i hedged and i dodged and we kept spending time together and i finally gave in to the fact that regardless of timing or practicality or what anyone else might think, i was falling for this person. i was only 18, but i knew i was falling in love.

so amid the trite rituals of finishing high school - AP tests and proms and graduations and such - we found space for us. AOL was the thing at this point and when we couldn't get out to see each other we would have online chat-dates. we would sneak off to his house when his parents were away for the weekend and he would play the piano and sing for me and we would kiss and hold each other in the dark, trying not to think about leaving. we talked about being "each other's firsts" and planned for it in the way that only geeks can do, and then never really got around to it, as time constraints aren't always the best at inspiring sexytimes. in my first hint of possible future inclinations, i cheated on him with one of my closest friends and suddenly had a new understanding of how easy it was to accidentally hurt someone in such a way. on our last days together he took me to his favorite, secret spot at Point Pleasant Beach, a spot he had found as a kid and always dreamed of bringing a girl he loved. i tried not to cry but one tear fell on his toe, punctuating our predicament. love or no, we knew it wasn't realistic to go off to college and stay together - we each had too much growing to do, but thinking of doing that growing without each other was incredibly painful. we didn't think of it as breaking up as much as setting each other free.

before we left we traded sweatshirts so we could each have something that smelled like the other. and then off we went. and our relationship deteriorated from there. staying connected the way we'd been through the beginning of freshman year away wasn't possible, and the attempt strained our interaction. suddenly things that hadn't before been an issue were. we made plans to see each other when he was in-state for another reason but cancelled them. we planned to see each other at Thanksgiving, and he asked me to bring his sweatshirt with me to return it. after this, we didn't see or talk to each other much - occasional visits throughout college when we were both home - and it was never the same. during the summer between junior and senior years i flew to where he was living to visit for a long weekend, and we reconnected a bit - mostly for the sake of drinking wine and fucking - and i was painfully aware that things still weren't quite right. the last time i spoke to him was right after i moved to San Francisco, about 10 years ago. i dream about him once in a great while, wonder how he is more often than that, hope he is well.

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23 April 2011

introduce yourself

i. who
i've always had a thing with my name. that is to say i don't like it, haven't ever really felt at home in it. i don't make a very good Danielle, never have. i remember coming home from preschool one day, having nabbed the nametag of an absent classmate and using it as part of my campaign to get my parents to change my name. and although i thought i sold the idea well and made an excellent case for everyone calling me "Lori," they didn't go for it.

during my hardcore tomboy phase in late elementary/middle school i attempted to go by the significantly more butch "DJ" but it didn't stick. my main problem was that at about the same time a character named DJ of about the same age appeared on a popular TV show and everyone assumed i was trying to be just like her. which, since she was super-femme, i was not. and so DJ was abandoned.

when i got to my small town high school (population < 600 students) there were at least 8 Danielles at any given time so it was not long before i ceased responding to my first name and my friends from then on referred to me strictly by my last. that got me through until college, where i came into possession of my name in its current form, which felt odd at first but ended up fitting better than any of its previous permutations.

ii. where
there is this thing about belonging. that is to say i crave it, require it, obsess over it. a lot of my growing up was about being in places where i didn't belong and was painfully aware of this. most of the time i took that as a sign that there was something defective about me, that there couldn't, wouldn't ever be a place in the world where i would feel safe and understood and seen because that didn't exist and it was all my fault for not being capable of fitting myself into the spaces where i found myself. as i explored more, though, i found this wasn't true. i found more people, i found more places, i found more. i discovered people who felt like family on the first meeting. i discovered places that felt like home on the first visit. i discovered a me that felt not-defective because it finally had a context in which it was understood and appreciated. that is not to say that i no longer find not-belonging spaces - they abound. i'm just less afraid of what they mean. a little.

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22 April 2011

project

i feel like i'm losing myself. this happens often in april, at least since i've started teaching. i am exhausted almost to the point of being incoherent. i am beginning to show signs of depression - i am isolating, seeing signs of disapproval where there are none ... generally adding to my exhaustion with unnecessary mental gymnastics. i've been watching a friend work on this for the past while and have decided to try it myself. maybe writing will help me remember.

30 DAYS
Day 01 - Introduce yourself
Day 02 - Your first love, in great detail
Day 03 - Your parents, in great detail
Day 04 - What you ate today, in great detail
Day 05 - Your definition of love, in great detail
Day 06 - Your day, in great detail
Day 07 - Your best friend, in great detail
Day 08 - A moment, in great detail
Day 09 - Your beliefs, in great detail
Day 10 - What you wore today, in great detail
Day 11 - Your siblings, in great detail
Day 12 - What's in your bag, in great detail
Day 13 - This week, in great detail
Day 14 - What you wore today, in great detail
Day 15 - Your dreams, in great detail
Day 16 - Your first kiss, in great detail
Day 17 - Your favorite memory, in great detail
Day 18 - Your favorite birthday, in great detail
Day 19 - Something you regret, in great detail
Day 20 - This month, in great detail
Day 21 - Another moment, in great detail
Day 22 - Something that upsets you, in great detail
Day 23 - Something that makes you feel better, in great detail
Day 24 - Something that makes you cry, in great detail
Day 25 - A first, in great detail
Day 26 – Your fears, in great detail
Day 27 – Your favorite place, in great detail
Day 28 – Something that you miss, in great detail
Day 29 – Your aspirations, in great detail
Day 30 – One last moment, in great detail

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13 March 2011

another year

am i too young to say i'm too old to keep up with a blog? i'm not clear on the official rules for wielding the magical phrase that gets you out of stuff based on age, but regardless of legality i find myself doing it an awful lot of late. i'm too old to put up with noisy, crowded bars on Thursday-Saturday evenings. i'm too old to deal with people who can't take responsibility for their actions and decisions. i'm too old to stay up late (read: past midnight) and drink too much (more than 2 glasses of wine). i'm too old to wear impractical shoes, regardless of how cute they may look. thinking back a decade, i'm pretty sure this is how i felt then, too - i'm just not fighting it now.

not a whole lot has changed about me from year to year, except that i get more okay with how i am while the rest of the world seems to expect actions from me based on the age i've achieved. i have not received a sudden, desperate telegram from my uterus telling me to fill it with babies (although i am still considering having it removed and fashioned into a bag for my gaming dice). my left ring finger has not shriveled-up and fallen-off because there's no wedding set holding it down. granted, i have begun to let myself think more about what a family could look like for me ... really, that just leaves me wanting to move into an apartment that's big enough for me, Boy and a wienerdog (2 bedrooms minimum - i'm too old to not have my own bedroom). i'd like to have a house someday (which, according to the news reports should be hella soon given how terribly overpaid we teachers seem to be). i'm excited to hopefully, finally get tenure in the coming years. and yeah ... maybe that's enough.

13 December 2010

true romance

"do you have class tomorrow?"
"no, i just haveta give a final at 11."
"ooh ... what do you want to do tonight?"
"i dunno ... what do you want to do tonight?"
"i'm not sure. but not trampolining." [winces at lingering back pain from previous week's adventure]
"oh yeah. and let's not eat a lot of sugar." [winces at lingering stomach upset from previous evening's eating]
"taking our metamucil and doing some water calesthenics, then?"
"mmm, and discussing the Eisenhower administration."