the Dspot

Francis

2011-08-25T20:01:00.000-07:00

today i learned that we've lost Francis. he was a dear friend of my father's and the only holy man i will ever trust.

Francis and my father met because they were both EMTs who volunteered for our local First Aid Squad. they became close and i regularly heard stories of their times together. Francis also happened to be a Franciscan friar and eventually his spiritual work took him back to upstate New York where he'd grown up. even so, he and Dad remained in contact and Francis would visit when he was in town.

when Dad got sick, a lot of things changed. one of the most striking for me was watching my "I'm as close to being an atheist as you can be without actually being one" father suddenly turn to the divine for solace. my usually "Easter and Christmas, and only because Mom makes us" family suddenly began attending mass on days i hadn't actually known churches were open. Dad started wearing medals of various stripes. and Francis came to visit more often. in addition to training as a friar he was also trained in social work, and he became an unofficial therapist for my parents. when it became clear that Dad was going to die, it was Francis who counseled each of them. it's the only therapy in which i've ever seen either parent be willing to take part.

when Dad died, it was decided that Francis would perform his funeral mass, including his eulogy. he summoned many of Dad's closest friends to our living room and, over beers, listened to them share stories about him. he listened intently, encouraged the conversation and took careful notes. and he turned that conversation of friends into a warm, loving and just-plain-beautiful eulogy that spoke volumes to the relationship that he and the others had shared with Dad. he even tried to learn to growl like Bob Segar, to properly reproduce the song i'd asked him to play for me. i could not have imagined finding comfort in any of that experience, yet he brought some to me.

i received an email from Dad's best friend this morning, letting me know that Francis had died unexpectedly. and even though i have not talked to this man in years, or ever established much in the way of my own relationship with him, i was absolutely crushed. in part, because the world needs him. in part, because it reminded me of losing Dad all over again. i don't believe in life after death, but i can't shake the image of Dad and Francis, sitting on a cloud somewhere, chatting over beers.

take care, Father Gunn. and thanks so much.

your parents, in great detail

2011-07-29T10:53:00.000-07:00

growing up, my concept of "family" centered on groups of 3, because my family was Mom, Dad and me. there were aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents ... but most of these were peripheral and only appeared at holidays. i didn't feel connected to them the way i felt connected to Mom and Dad. i never noticed or minded my lack of siblings in part because i was so close to them and they were so involved with me. i have great memories of Dad regularly terrifying me with images from his trauma manuals and Mom constantly butchering the words to songs she swore she knew. it was a good childhood.

Dad got sick a few months into my freshman year of high school and it suddenly occurred to me, for the first time since that initial horrifying revelation when i was 5 or so, that my parents were going to die and i was most likely going to have to live through it. unbeknownst to us, Dad would be gone in less than a year, and that year was filled with more heartache and growing-up than i am in the mood to convey at this point in time. i've written about him before here. from there on, it was just Mom and me.

i've watched Mom change a lot in the 17 years Dad has been gone. for all of her Stern Math Teacher-ness, she spent much of her time living in his shadow when he was around. i've watched her express much anger and frustration about their relationship and how he carried himself in the world. i've watched her realize/admit that she had spent her life, up until the point where she was suddenly a widow, making decisions that pleased other people (her parents, her husband, her child) and so didn't know how to figure out what she wanted for herself. and i've watched her retire and really come into her raucous, hellion single 60-something-year-old own. i am pleased to report that i cannot get a hold of her on most days and often do not know what state/country she is in at any given time.

the family i knew, the magical group of 3, is no more. Dad is gone, Mom and i live 3000 miles apart and while we are still close and connected, we are each busy exploring and discovering on our own. it is both happy and sad, and likely as it should be.

your first love, in great detail

2011-07-28T17:17:00.000-07:00

i met Case sophomore year of high school, at a statewide conference where overachieving 16-year-olds from all over NJ got together to out-overachiever one another. nothing romantic happened at the time - we were there for just a weekend and i had a steady boyfriend at home - but we kept in touch throughout the following years. we would run into each other on occasion since we were both in marching bands that sometimes competed against each other. mostly we wrote the occasional letter since AOL wasn't even up and running yet.

we ran into each other again senior year, at marching band championships. we started talking and the next thing we knew it was an hour later and the respective friends we'd been hanging with had ditched and left us alone together. again, nothing romantic happened - i had yet another steady boyfriend - but it suddenly occurred to me that i wanted to spend more time with this person. so we would hang out in ways that were completely respectful of my relationship, one or the other of us driving the 10 miles between - Case said later that he was always left feeling like something was "unfinished" after these times together. months later said steady boyfriend and i parted ways and Case and i kissed for the first time. i wasn't okay with this for lots of reasons - i was fresh out of a relationship and felt it would be rude to my ex to jump into a new relationship so soon. in addition, Case and i were both about to graduate from high school and head off to our respective college lives -- the end of senior year was not the time to be starting a serious relationship, and i couldn't see being anything but serious with a person i cared about as much as i cared about him. so i hedged and i dodged and we kept spending time together and i finally gave in to the fact that regardless of timing or practicality or what anyone else might think, i was falling for this person. i was only 18, but i knew i was falling in love.

so amid the trite rituals of finishing high school - AP tests and proms and graduations and such - we found space for us. AOL was the thing at this point and when we couldn't get out to see each other we would have online chat-dates. we would sneak off to his house when his parents were away for the weekend and he would play the piano and sing for me and we would kiss and hold each other in the dark, trying not to think about leaving. we talked about being "each other's firsts" and planned for it in the way that only geeks can do, and then never really got around to it, as time constraints aren't always the best at inspiring sexytimes. in my first hint of possible future inclinations, i cheated on him with one of my closest friends and suddenly had a new understanding of how easy it was to accidentally hurt someone in such a way. on our last days together he took me to his favorite, secret spot at Point Pleasant Beach, a spot he had found as a kid and always dreamed of bringing a girl he loved. i tried not to cry but one tear fell on his toe, punctuating our predicament. love or no, we knew it wasn't realistic to go off to college and stay together - we each had too much growing to do, but thinking of doing that growing without each other was incredibly painful. we didn't think of it as breaking up as much as setting each other free.

before we left we traded sweatshirts so we could each have something that smelled like the other. and then off we went. and our relationship deteriorated from there. staying connected the way we'd been through the beginning of freshman year away wasn't possible, and the attempt strained our interaction. suddenly things that hadn't before been an issue were. we made plans to see each other when he was in-state for another reason but cancelled them. we planned to see each other at Thanksgiving, and he asked me to bring his sweatshirt with me to return it. after this, we didn't see or talk to each other much - occasional visits throughout college when we were both home - and it was never the same. during the summer between junior and senior years i flew to where he was living to visit for a long weekend, and we reconnected a bit - mostly for the sake of drinking wine and fucking - and i was painfully aware that things still weren't quite right. the last time i spoke to him was right after i moved to San Francisco, about 10 years ago. i dream about him once in a great while, wonder how he is more often than that, hope he is well.

introduce yourself

2011-04-23T14:31:00.000-07:00

i. who

i've always had a thing with my name. that is to say i don't like it, haven't ever really felt at home in it. i don't make a very good Danielle, never have. i remember coming home from preschool one day, having nabbed the nametag of an absent classmate and using it as part of my campaign to get my parents to change my name. and although i thought i sold the idea well and made an excellent case for everyone calling me "Lori," they didn't go for it.

during my hardcore tomboy phase in late elementary/middle school i attempted to go by the significantly more butch "DJ" but it didn't stick. my main problem was that at about the same time a character named DJ of about the same age appeared on a popular TV show and everyone assumed i was trying to be just like her. which, since she was super-femme, i was not. and so DJ was abandoned.

when i got to my small town high school (population < 600 students) there were at least 8 Danielles at any given time so it was not long before i ceased responding to my first name and my friends from then on referred to me strictly by my last. that got me through until college, where i came into possession of my name in its current form, which felt odd at first but ended up fitting better than any of its previous permutations.

ii. where

there is this thing about belonging. that is to say i crave it, require it, obsess over it. a lot of my growing up was about being in places where i didn't belong and was painfully aware of this. most of the time i took that as a sign that there was something defective about me, that there couldn't, wouldn't ever be a place in the world where i would feel safe and understood and seen because that didn't exist and it was all my fault for not being capable of fitting myself into the spaces where i found myself. as i explored more, though, i found this wasn't true. i found more people, i found more places, i found more. i discovered people who felt like family on the first meeting. i discovered places that felt like home on the first visit. i discovered a me that felt not-defective because it finally had a context in which it was understood and appreciated. that is not to say that i no longer find not-belonging spaces - they abound. i'm just less afraid of what they mean. a little.

project

2011-04-22T09:47:00.000-07:00

i feel like i'm losing myself. this happens often in april, at least since i've started teaching. i am exhausted almost to the point of being incoherent. i am beginning to show signs of depression - i am isolating, seeing signs of disapproval where there are none ... generally adding to my exhaustion with unnecessary mental gymnastics. i've been watching a friend work on this for the past while and have decided to try it myself. maybe writing will help me remember.

30 DAYS
Day 01 - Introduce yourself
Day 02 - Your first love, in great detail
Day 03 - Your parents, in great detail
Day 04 - What you ate today, in great detail
Day 05 - Your definition of love, in great detail
Day 06 - Your day, in great detail
Day 07 - Your best friend, in great detail
Day 08 - A moment, in great detail
Day 09 - Your beliefs, in great detail
Day 10 - What you wore today, in great detail
Day 11 - Your siblings, in great detail
Day 12 - What's in your bag, in great detail
Day 13 - This week, in great detail
Day 14 - What you wore today, in great detail
Day 15 - Your dreams, in great detail
Day 16 - Your first kiss, in great detail
Day 17 - Your favorite memory, in great detail
Day 18 - Your favorite birthday, in great detail
Day 19 - Something you regret, in great detail
Day 20 - This month, in great detail
Day 21 - Another moment, in great detail
Day 22 - Something that upsets you, in great detail
Day 23 - Something that makes you feel better, in great detail
Day 24 - Something that makes you cry, in great detail
Day 25 - A first, in great detail
Day 26 – Your fears, in great detail
Day 27 – Your favorite place, in great detail
Day 28 – Something that you miss, in great detail
Day 29 – Your aspirations, in great detail
Day 30 – One last moment, in great detail

another year

2011-03-13T10:38:00.000-07:00

am i too young to say i'm too old to keep up with a blog? i'm not clear on the official rules for wielding the magical phrase that gets you out of stuff based on age, but regardless of legality i find myself doing it an awful lot of late. i'm too old to put up with noisy, crowded bars on Thursday-Saturday evenings. i'm too old to deal with people who can't take responsibility for their actions and decisions. i'm too old to stay up late (read: past midnight) and drink too much (more than 2 glasses of wine). i'm too old to wear impractical shoes, regardless of how cute they may look. thinking back a decade, i'm pretty sure this is how i felt then, too - i'm just not fighting it now.

not a whole lot has changed about me from year to year, except that i get more okay with how i am while the rest of the world seems to expect actions from me based on the age i've achieved. i have not received a sudden, desperate telegram from my uterus telling me to fill it with babies (although i am still considering having it removed and fashioned into a bag for my gaming dice). my left ring finger has not shriveled-up and fallen-off because there's no wedding set holding it down. granted, i have begun to let myself think more about what a family could look like for me ... really, that just leaves me wanting to move into an apartment that's big enough for me, Boy and a wienerdog (2 bedrooms minimum - i'm too old to not have my own bedroom). i'd like to have a house someday (which, according to the news reports should be hella soon given how terribly overpaid we teachers seem to be). i'm excited to hopefully, finally get tenure in the coming years. and yeah ... maybe that's enough.

true romance

2010-12-13T17:37:00.000-08:00

"do you have class tomorrow?"
"no, i just haveta give a final at 11."
"ooh ... what do you want to do tonight?"
"i dunno ... what do you want to do tonight?"
"i'm not sure. but not trampolining." [winces at lingering back pain from previous week's adventure]
"oh yeah. and let's not eat a lot of sugar." [winces at lingering stomach upset from previous evening's eating]
"taking our metamucil and doing some water calesthenics, then?"
"mmm, and discussing the Eisenhower administration."

grateful

2010-11-25T11:52:00.000-08:00

(in no particular/specific order)

my home
my bath tub
my couch
my Leafy
the Clan
my collection of 1/12th BFFs
the members of my blood family who get me
anyone in the world who fuels my need to spontaneously break into song/display jazzhands
SFSI
other people's kids
webcomics
gluten-free baked goods
SSRIs
coffee
SCIENCE!!1!

damn you, brain.

2010-08-25T11:17:00.000-07:00

i don't know that i exactly brought my A Game to today's class. yes, the lecture was chock-fulla relevant data. yes, i did my best to explain health care reform in as much as i understand it. yes, it was hot as fuck in my classroom. but i let someone get away with texting (strike 1) and the baseball players in the back were too chatty and i didn't call them on it for a while (strike 2). and by the end i felt so self-conscious i thought i'd explode. one of my very conscientious students approached me after class to mention a radio show i might like, and also handed me a folded-up piece of paper, saying, "someone dropped this on the floor. i didn't want you to think it was mine." i left it alone, not wanting to look inside until alone in my office, but the whole walk back visions danced of its horrid contents. a back-and-forth written conversation about how much my class sucks? how bad a teacher i am? how fat i look in this outfit? i locked my office door behind me, took a deep breath and unfolded the paper ... to find a crumpled $10 bill someone had dropped on the floor of my classroom.

what i'm working with

2010-07-29T09:05:00.000-07:00

"i'm hungry. wanna go get dinner?"
"yeah."
"do you know what you want?"
"nooooooooooo ..."
"do you know what you don't want?"
"... bell peppers. Spaghetti-os. meatloaf. lima beans."
"that's helpful."

gratitutes list

2010-06-29T19:56:00.000-07:00

1. whenever Boy is here in the morning, he makes me coffee.
the gravity of this is likely lost on those who use pre-packaged grounds and coffeemakers and such. at my house, daily coffee production is akin to a spaceshuttle launch in terms of preparation and effort - beans must be ground, water must be boiled, filter apparati must be prepared, an appropriate ratio of water to coffee to cinnamon must be brought together at precisely the right time and temperature by trained personnel (read: Boy, dashing about starkers in my kitchen). for heaven's sake, how have i not yet managed to rig together a ringstand/flask setup for this very purpose?

it is worthwhile to note that he himself almost never has coffee when he is here. he's just running about making it for me.

2 a.heirloom tomatoes are coming in season.
and it is requiring every ounce of my considerable willpower to prevent me from EATING. ALL OF THEM.

2 b. ditto on blueberries.

3. re-re-re-discovering Guster's back-catalogue on my iPod.
if you've never heard of them, that likely points to the years of your life that you did not spend living in New England obsessing over a local 3-piece ensemble from Somerville. Parachute, Goldfly and Lost and Gone Forever were the soundtracks to my Sophomore through Senior years of college - what good parts there were in there, anyway - and it's refreshing to be reminded of some happy spots from that point in my life.

gratitutes list

2010-06-02T12:16:00.000-07:00

Boy has started assembling one of these as part of his daily routine. It sounded like a good idea.

- I am grateful for my fish. Yes, I am completely serious. No, that is not a euphemism. For the first time in almost 10 years I am sharing my home with another living, breathing, sentient being, and I have not yet become sick of him. Granted he doesn't say much ... and he keeps to his own little corner of his shelf, so the amount of space I am actually "sharing" is small ... and he is generally quite content to swim laps about his bowl while I sit next to him grading papers, reading or watching bad forensics shows. When I come home, he's there. When I climb up to visit, he swims up to say "Hello" (or, more likely, "Give me some fucking food you dirty stay-out"). When I spend entire days at home curled in a ball on the couch (a rather popular passtime of late) I am never totally alone.

- I am grateful for my couch. It is sometimes my bed, sometimes my fainting bench, often my dining room table, usually my workspace, always a place where I feel safe and comfortable and like I belong. When I moved into my new apartment I purposely bought a desk so that I would have a proper work surface in my home; that desk currently serves as the place I go when I'm looking for stamps or envelopes, or when I need to print something, because I still do all my work from the couch. I often fantasize about quiet evenings spent at home on my couch with a good zombie movie/comic book and a glass of wine/cup of tea. This happens most often when I am at a crowded, noisy bar on a Standard Going-Out Night of the Week (TM).

- I am grateful for my bookshelves and what they hold. With respect to the reading material, some of it is stuff I've loved and would read over and over and over. Some is stuff I own because I feel like I should read it (but haven't because it's so terribly dry/boring). Some is stuff I'm mortified to admit I've read (my ex had an entire bookshelf devoted to reading material of this nature and it was one of my favorite things about her). The rest of the space is occupied by pictures of family and Family, birthday cards and lovenotes, toys and trinkets I've received as gifts, and my tiara collection. Sometimes I'll space-out and come-to standing in front of my bookshelves, staring in wonder at all that I've amassed.

how do they always find me?

2010-05-25T11:47:00.000-07:00

I am a Science Nerd Magnet - it's kinda like being a Chick Magnet, except I draw a crowd with a critical mass of D&D experience, large comicbook collections, and fluency in multiple computer languages and/or proficiency with multiple bioinformatics databases. Observe a typical conversation:

Member of Bestie Clan: Man - the coccyx seems like nothing but trouble.

me: totes.

MoBC: Gonna get rid of that in rev 2.0, along with the appendix.

me: except for the inuit. they need appendices. there's no where else to put all that buckshot.

MoBC: Gonna add better knees and a nictitating membrane. See, and this is why we need Imperial Guard style lasguns or needle rifles. SPACE MARINE!

me: i see. we need to be space marines so we can finally get rid of our pesky appendices?

MoBC: YES! Now you're getting it!

me: i see.

tell me a story

2010-05-20T10:01:00.000-07:00

a dear friend is currently on a month-long trip in Central America. this morning i had an email from her that said "i am lonely. tell me a story." this was my reply.

***********
there once was a 17-year-old girl named Danielle. she was a junior in high school in new jersey. and her particular school system sent their 6th graders away to a YMCA camp for part of a week each year to experience the out-of-doors. helping to supervise this ungainly band of hormone-ridden youth was a hand-picked crack team of high school juniors who acted as camp counselors-of-sorts for the week. being your standard go-getting high school overachiever (read: annoying! lack of perspective!), Danielle was naturally chosen to be one of these.

one of Danielle's closest friends was a girl by the name of Nancy (who, as it happens, is one of her dearest friends to this day. and is getting married in a few short months. in an affair that has come to be known as My Big Fat Mexican-Italian Wedding. but that is another story for another time). Nancy was also go-getterish and overachieving (albeit in a healthier way than Danielle) so she too was chosen to be an Outdoor Education Counselor. rounding out their happy Girl Counselor Trifecta was Rachael, who around the start of junior year had taken on the torch as the school's token lesbian. the girls were accompanied by 3 popular, jockish boys who were all members of fraternities (yes, their high school had greek organizations) who the girls generally found to be boorish and irritating.

on one particular evening at the YMCA camp, the high school counselors were given the night off from wrangling their charges, and so got an entire table to themselves in the mess hall, far from the condiment-slinging antics of 6th graders. it happened to be taco night. on one side of the table sat the boys, all of whom were in frats, played sports and enjoyed drinking beer. opposite them sat the ladies, who amongst them toted a critical mass of marching band membership, high GPA and queer identification. in short, there wasn't a whole lot to talk about so any attempts at table-wide conversation were quickly abandoned for commiserating within one's own gender grouping whilst consuming mass quantities of tacos.

this plan was proceeding brilliantly until one of the gentlemen loudly uttered a comment to which Nancy took exception. her patience, until now under careful control, had been pushed too far. "You are a fucking barbarian" she launched across the table. now one must understand that high school Nancy, bless her heart, was incredibly quiet and reserved in most situations, particularly those involving the opposite sex. so this outburst was especially unexpected and amusing to everyone at the table. everyone including Danielle, who had just taken a rather sizable bite of taco. a rather sizable bite of taco which then, rather than proceeding in the generally appointed fashion through her pharynx and down her esophagus, instead saw fit to proceed upwards (under the force of her sudden, explosive laughter) and lodge in her sinuses.

all Danielle knew was that she had a sudden intense pain in her nose. she reached for a napkin and began blowing, only to find that shredded lettuce was coming out of her nostrils. it continued to do so for quite a long time, and in very public fashion.

and so, dear friends, yours truly was forever dubbed the Human Salad Shooter, a name that follows her to this very day.

making it happen

2010-05-16T22:03:00.000-07:00

This weekend kicked my ass in 12 different ways, which is funny because I was technically on vacation. The Clan had rented a house in honor of Kat's entry into her 33rd year and visions of a weekend of chasing Miss Baby, drinking Kraken, eating delicious food, and watching Vin juggle and Andan and Bates hit each other with sticks danced in our heads.

Then the mother of one of my best friends died, not entirely unexpectedly, and I realized that although I'd been mentally and emotionally preparing for the event I hadn't considered that I might need to attend a memorial service this weekend. I had nothing to wear. I had no transportation of my own. And I was triggered 35 times over with Dead Dad issues and What Does Family Mean to Me and the usual assortment of I Hate Crying In Front of Other People and everyone's favorite, I Don't Like to Ask for Help. That last bit didn't hold up for long because I didn't know where to go in Santa Cruz to find funeral-appropriate clothes, or how to order a flower piece to send for the service, or how the hell I was going to get there in the first place. So the Clan stepped in. They cooked for me and they hugged me and they left me alone and watched cartoons with me and napped with me and shoved me into the hottub when the little pulsing vein in my forehead started to show. Meg took me shopping for funeral clothes and approved my outfit and even went so far as to whittle extra holes in the belt I neglected to try-on before purchasing. Andan taught me the finer points of knifefighting by way of distraction and lent me his car so I could get to the service. Kat kept me supplied with delicious food, snuggles and cartoons. Vin gave me my first staff lesson and refused to let me get away with half-hearted hugging. Kristi was on the receiving end of my sarcasm as is her wont, but it was especially off-kilter/miscalibrated given my emotional state; she navigated this gracefully. Bates and Charlie embarked upon an effort to snuggle me mercilessly and, at times, against my will, and were kind enough to get me to Andan's car so I could get to the service.

I have no idea what I've done to deserve any of these people in my life.
I am so very grateful.
I am also so very tired and sad.

me, in a nutshell

2010-02-11T10:12:00.001-08:00

i stopped by the front office at work this morning to retrieve a package and excitedly showed it to the admin who works there and is a buddy of mine.

"my meat seasoning came!!! my meat seasoning came!!!"

she looked up with an expression that combined amusement and exasperation.

"you know, when anyone else gets a package around here it's a desk copy or a CD full of math problems."

"i get desk copies too!" i defended.

"yeah. but with you usually it's meat seasoning. or cowboy boots. or accordions."

Say it with unconventional valentines, Day 5

2010-02-05T09:15:00.000-08:00

we return you to our originally-scheduled zombietine's programming.

Say it with unconventional valentines, Day 4

2010-02-04T09:44:00.000-08:00

a brief diversion from zombies, courtesy of SMBC

I'm inside out with love for you!

My zombie valentine, Day 3

2010-02-03T09:43:00.001-08:00

My zombie valentine, Day 2

2010-02-02T09:24:00.001-08:00

Say it with zombies

2010-02-01T09:22:00.000-08:00

14 Days of Zombie Valentines, Day 1

better living through chemistry

2009-12-14T07:58:00.001-08:00

if my hormones are not regulated quick-smart, i am seriously going to injure someone. there's no 2 ways about it.

i have been unregulated for going-on-3-months now. before that i'd had a solid 12 years of happy, anal retentive chemical control, courtesy of our friend the triphasic birth control pill. from ages 18-30 i didn't ovulate, didn't have so much as half a menstrual cramp, a twinge of PMS, a period-related zit. it was heaven after my first few years of official womandom, which consisted of monthly bouts of crippling abdominal pain, digestive shutdown to the point of distension and horrid skin eruptions.

a few months ago my health insurance changed and, inexplicably, i started having problems accessing women's health services. turns out they had entered me into the system as a biological male and as such, i was being flagged as not needing uterus-related services. then my provider left my network, prescriptions ran out and long story short, here i am in a gap between forms of hormonal regulation. now i'm back to feeling like my uterus is attempting a speedy getaway from my abdomen on a monthly basis, at the same time my face takes on the appearance of a volcano field and my emotions render me unsafe to be around sharp objects. it is positively ridiculous. and it absolutely must stop.

there is, however, a happy ending to this. tomorrow the Decemberween Fairy will deliver my ultimate holiday gift in the form of a Mirena. seasons effing greetings to me!

grateful

2009-11-30T14:18:00.001-08:00

i meant to post this for Gratefulsgiving but was too busy being a cough-monster. pretend i was more timely.

Dani's Patented Novemberween List of Stuff for Which She's Grateful

my immune system, which keeps me hale/healthy more often than not.
the fact that the marks on my body are all consensual in nature, and bestowed upon me in love.
having people i don't mind being naked around, in ways that are not necessarily sexual.
my family of origin, with whom i connect as much as i am capable. how much that actually is varies depending on time of year/my relationship status/my hair color/how much tattoo work i have had done recently/the political party of the current administration/etc.
the fact that i am currently in a full-time, tenure-track job (regardless of how that whole "getting tenure" thing goes) that i really fucking love.
my family of choice, at whom i still marvel on a daily basis. i have no idea how you all found me and i hope i get to hang onto you for a goodlong while.
the fact that even though i am not particularly overjoyed at the current physical state of my body, i am capable of doing something about it, if i ever get off my ass.
the fact that my fucking 20s are fucking over. i will be grateful for this for the rest of my life.
having people to kiss. yummy.

#dailyconversationalfauxpas

2009-11-05T10:06:00.000-08:00

[Dr. Dani is in campus Learning Center dropping-off a make-up exam for a student]

Friendly Learning Center Staff Member: Is it a fun exam?

Dr. Dani: All of my exams are fun!

Eavesdropping Nearby Professor in White Linen Suit: That's a great answer! I want you in one of my classes! (Implication: "You must be a student in a get-up like that!")

[awkward pause]

DD: Um, dude ... I'm a professor, too.

ENPIWLS: [stammering] Ah ... oh ... right ... of course ... well yes ... well I mean you could still audit ... [flees]

fuckall

2009-11-05T07:48:00.000-08:00

I Have Gotten Fuckall Done This Week i said from my therapist's couch. i lamented my current level of tiredness, high degree of distractability, inability to concentrate. What Have You Been Up To Lately she asked me. i told her and she decided it sounded like i was living my life and enjoying it. Where Are You In Your Menstrual Cycle she asked me. Shit If I Know i replied. It Is A Full Moon Right Now You Know she said. That Can Have An Effect On These Things. i gave her a Dubious Eyebrow by way of reply. Maybe You Can Give Yourself A Break she suggested. i sighed.

I Have Gotten Fuckall Done This Week i said to one of my Bestie Clan as we drank beers in a bar decorated like Beetlejuice's innards. Hey Yeah Me Too he replied. he lamented his current high degree of distractability and inability to concentrate. Where Are You In Your Menstrual Cycle i asked him. I'm Not Sure he replied But I Did Just Buy Some Pads To Be Safe. It Is A Full Moon Right Now You Know i said. That Can Have An Effect On These Things. Oh Yes he replied. That Is An Excellent Point. So What You're Saying Is That You Too Feel Like An Under-Ritalined 7-Year-Old i asked. Yes he replied. Most Definitely. Okay i said. As Long As It's Not Just Me.

low

2009-09-08T12:42:00.001-07:00

3-day weekends are supposed to be about fun. the ever-present smell of grilling and echoed shouts and laughter reminded me of this, creeping in through my window nonstop until i woke-up this morning. i knew it might be long and difficult and felt silly admitting this at any point because ... well, it's stupid isn't it? why should i care about her birthday, that i can't wish her a happy one, that the cards would be returned or ripped to shreds, the flowers stomped to bits or brought back to my doorstep if she knew where it was? the following day, what would've been our anniversary, hurt more when I met a couple that'd picked the same wedding date that we had. i tried to listen along happily as they described plans for their burlesque extravaganza nuptials but all i felt was the constant sensation of a thick-soled boot in my ribs. my best attempts at nesting did nothing to soothe, nor did alone time. i will ride this out as i do, and will likely eventually lose this feeling in the busy-ness of my day-to-day until it sneaks up and temporarily crushes me again, whenever that next time may be.

present for myself

2009-07-30T10:08:00.001-07:00

my "yay, i survived godforsaken summer session" treat

these bloomers from 5 & Diamond

these socks from Sock Dreams

this shirt which i already own (and have yet to be able to wear with anything until now)

now i just need to figure my footwear and i'm set. it's downright circuspunk-y and i love it to pieces.

best conversation of the weekend

2009-07-05T21:45:00.000-07:00

Atrain: I touched something and I don't want to tell you what because you're going to be maaaaaaaad.

Dani: Was it the cake?

Atrain: Noooooooooooo ...

Dani: Okay ... what did you touch?

Atrain: [whispering now] I don't want to tell you because I'm afraid you'll get mad.

Dani: How about I promise I won't get mad, and then you can tell me what you touched?

Atrain: [considers for a moment] ... okay.

Dani: Okay. I promise I won't get mad. Here, we'll Pinky Swear.

[impromptu tutorial ensues on finer points of Pinky Swear]

Dani: Okay, so ... what did you touch?

Atrain: The caaaaaaaaake.

Where to find Dani @ Pride 2009

2009-06-27T09:00:00.000-07:00

Pink Saturday (today): hanging in Dolores pre-Dykemarch, possibly marching during Dykemarch, possibly @ Eagle post-Dykemarch. make use of le cellphone.

Gay Sunday (tomorrow) - slinging gay margaritas to benefit San Francisco Sex Information 1-4pm on Larkin @ McAllister. come find me!

Happy Pride, all!

get your drink on: Austin edition

2009-06-15T08:32:00.000-07:00

Cajun cooler (courtesy of The Boiling Pot, proportions estimated by me)
2 parts white zinfandel
1 part cranberry juice
1 part Sprite

Austin-modified Pimm's cup
1 part Pimm's #1
1.5 parts pink lemonade
1.5 parts sparkling water
garnish w/ fresh peaches

Painkiller
1 part rum
1 part orange juice
1 part pineapple juice
1 part coconut juice
garnish w/ freshly grated nutmeg

*busstop

2009-06-09T17:27:00.001-07:00

i covered his ears with my headphones as he quipped about the size of my head, and fiddled with my iPod to find the song i'd wanted to give him for months. i pressed "play" and he pulled me closer, burying my face in space between neck and shoulder, just barely able to listen along.

did someone make a fool of me
'fore I could show 'em how it's done?

at some point i was aware of the puddle i was soaking in his shirt as he sniffled in my ear and we clung tighter, oblivious to passersby. we held on to each other for dear life, through the final verse, crying for reasons sad and happy.

I lie across the path waiting,
just for a chance to be a spiderweb
trapped in your lashes.
For that, I would trade you my empire for ashes.

*control

2009-06-02T11:58:00.000-07:00

"You know what's sweet?"
"... what's that?"
"Well, see ... you actually think you're running this show."
He stopped, looked down at me, smiling sweetly. "I have no such illusions."
His eyes glowed as he flicked a wrist, moved some fingers. My head dug into the pillow, back arching.
"... so what was that you were saying about me not running this show?" and his sweet smile again.

the stress beach diet

2009-05-28T09:47:00.000-07:00

for the past several days, i have yet to make it through an entire 24-hour period without consuming at least 1 serving of each of the following:

salt & vinegar potato chips
peanut M&Ms
diet cola

apparently in times of stress (move your entire life 3 blocks! don't run into your hostile ex and her visiting parent while doing so! file for gay divorce from said hostile ex! cope with the emotional stress of leaving the living space wherein every major event of your adult life has occurred thusfar! don't forget anyone's birthday! write and grade finals! your students want to know what grades they got RIGHT NOW!!!) my body runs on salt, sugar/aspartame, fat and caffeine and wants to hear nothing more about it. this is all the more reason *not* to lecture my students on nutrition during my general health classes.

gratitude

2009-05-26T09:17:00.000-07:00

thanks to all of the following folks for help with my move:

- Batesypants for use of his person all weekend, & his general jovial and otherwise mellow companionship
- Boy & Hubby for use of their truck all weekend
- Ducky, Boy & Kitti for oodles/scads of boxes
- Kitti for dinner on Sunday
- Ceeb for giving me the space to move out all weekend (whether intentional or not)

followup bar brawl shit-talking

2009-05-12T09:46:00.000-07:00

Ducky: my bar fight list is up
Ducky: hope you like the sweet taste of ass kicking!

Dspot: puh-LEEZE
Dspot: rosy's so angry she'll kill all y'all.

Ducky: don't fuck with neil degrasse tyson

Dspot: dude, you don't understand.

Ducky: he might seem jolly...

Dspot: i'm talking about a shafted biophysicist zombie
Dspot: do not trifle with such things.
Dspot: and she was a bit cantankerous to begin with.

Ducky: kirk will set his phaser on seduction and the game will be OVER

Dspot: LOL
Dspot: it's official. we're out of our fucking gourds.

my top 5 ultimate bar brawl teammates

2009-05-12T08:59:00.000-07:00

no holds barred, reality not required.

1. Zoe Alleyne Washburn - First mate of Serenity
2. Cameron Philips - Terminator of as-yet-undisclosed model number (would've preferred Summer Glau in River Tam form but Ducky's already claimed her)
3. Kara Thrace - CAG of Galactica
4. Rosalind Franklin - English biophysicist/X-ray crystallographer who got shafted out of the Nobel Prize
5. Nikol Hasler - co-creator of Midwest Teen Sex Show, mom of 3, fellow 1979-born Piscean and geekysmart badass who could likely sass her way out of any situation

Now you.

fresh coat of paint

2009-05-08T11:35:00.000-07:00

that's Professor Bitch to you

2009-05-04T13:50:00.000-07:00

hooray for academic regalia!

2009-04-22T12:27:00.000-07:00

it does, too.

chocolate retrieval project

2009-04-18T10:50:00.000-07:00

when Papa's in the garden and Dani's out buying worm bins, the mice will play.

final phase of operation = successful
long live the choc-o-bandit!

photoshoot

2009-04-17T16:03:00.001-07:00

(me & A-train)

new dress

2009-04-17T12:25:00.001-07:00

ignore the stupid look on my face, focus on my new rad pinuppy sailor dress.

haircut

2009-04-15T15:35:00.000-07:00

not feeling particularly photogenic, could manage only a scowl.

me time

2009-04-13T23:16:00.000-07:00

i absolutely, positively adore everyone in my life and would not trade them for anything.

there is also something decidedly lovely about being in my own bed and having it entirely to myself for the first time in a week.

{orients self diagonally across bed so as to occupy maximal space}

good night all.

get-away

2009-04-13T15:27:00.001-07:00

stuff that rules about long weekends in the SC:

roadtripping w/ KB, a most excellent partner-in-crime (read: shares my love of Tom Jones, inappropriate jokes & rolling-up/down the windows at all the right times)
getting to visit with T&A
naps on the beach

plenty of time in the hottub
massages courtesy of T
a seemingly endless supply of Bloody Marys (in honor of Easter, obviously)
being dropped by A on pavement, for the second time in our friendship history, and it being just as magical as the first time
shoppin' (pictures of new pinuppy sailor dress forthcoming)

in other news ...

2009-04-09T09:54:00.001-07:00

... my mom rules at care packages.

lovenote

2009-04-08T23:59:00.000-07:00

dear breeders album,

where have you been these last umpteen years?

xoxo,
dani

spring break: monday

2009-04-07T09:10:00.001-07:00

dinner out. bread pudding and bananas foster to the entire Violator album and whatever could be better?

lovenote

2009-04-06T18:02:00.001-07:00

dear steel wool,

you get my bathroom so clean, it makes me feel all dirty.

xoxo,
dani

a promising start

2009-04-06T13:03:00.000-07:00

... for the Hipster Decimation League (wherein we will fight the aloof hipster blight by going out in ridiculous levels of finery whenever possible).

Hot Librarian Thursday

2009-04-02T12:46:00.001-07:00

dearest writers of the bsg finale,

2009-03-27T00:23:00.000-07:00

smb.

xoxo,
db

ps - wtf?

hot date tonight

2009-03-24T10:41:00.000-07:00

me + sleep = TL4E
definitely hopping in bed together.

ps - also on my dance card = cleaning my apartment (just a crush so far though)

the songs in my head

2009-03-23T17:16:00.000-07:00

idea totally stolen from Bree's newest blog-venture.

A Thousand Tiny Pieces - Be Good Tanyas

Tattoo - Meghan Toohey (The So and So's)

30

2009-03-13T13:19:00.001-07:00

best birthday present

2009-03-13T09:16:00.000-07:00

it's been a while since Babyboy and i last curled-up together, but it's still just as sweet and comfortable a place as ever, and now there are rewards that come in the form of full sentences and song.

"down by the baaaaayyyyyyy
where the watermelons growwwwwww
back to my hooooommmmme
i dare not gooooooooooo
for if i doooooooooooo
my mother will sayyyyyyy ...."

{pauses}
{thinks intently}

"'did you ever see a bear combing his hair?'
DOWN-BY-THE-BAYYYYYYYYYYY"

happy birthday to me.

6:55am

2009-03-12T08:43:00.000-07:00

managed a shower and clean clothes and toothbrushing and remembered deodorant but couldn't stand to be in the house another minute longer. left with wet hair, no makeup, just couldn't be with-myself-by-myself any more than absolutely necessary. home is a self-made echo chamber and i wasn't expecting things to be this loud - not to say the noises are unwelcome, just unfamiliar and i haven't yet calibrated.

playlist du jour

2009-03-11T13:39:00.000-07:00

Down Boy - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Too Drunk To Fuck - Nouvelle Vague
Gone Daddy Gone - Violent Femmes
Chelsea, Let's Go Join the Circus - Agent Ribbons
Chick Habit - April March
Vampire - Antsy Pants
When Doves Cry - The Be Good Tanyas
Sunday In New York - Bobby Darin
Love Cats - The Cure
Shit, Goddamn - Eagles of Death Metal
Slow Like Honey - Fiona Apple
Salty Dog - Flogging Molly
Jailbreak - The Gossip
Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley

laundry

2009-03-09T08:28:00.000-07:00

there's something really nice about the laundromat on Monday mornings. namely, i'm the only person here because everyone else is "where they're supposed to be" - at work. i can run 3 loads of wash at a time, which is generally in order as i do laundry once a month-and-a-half (limiting factors: the amount of underwear i own [quite a lot] and the amount of dirty laundry i can fit in the army pack i use as a laundry bag [also quite a lot]), i can stretch out on the benches with a book, i can ditch my stuff and run around the corner for a hot chocolate if the mood strikes me ... it's weird to me that this is a time when i'm struck with a feeling of "ahh, life is good," but ... isn't it sometimes?

i'm wondering

2009-03-05T07:21:00.001-08:00

does anyone else get sudden, episodic, uncontrollable ADD whilst brushing his/her/zir teeth? seriously. the minute i get my toothbrush in my mouth, i'm off - organizing my CD collection, doing dishes, syncing my iPod. and of course it isn't actually possible to multitask whilst brushing, so it just makes the process take all the longer. i really don't know what it is.

now if you'll excuse me, i must go spit.

2009-03-02T09:45:00.000-08:00

a well-drawn diagram of a year of my relationship life, courtesy of Bree.

piclog

2009-02-28T09:46:00.000-08:00

1. A picture of you in your room

2. A picture of you posing with someone you don't actually like.

(i don't actually have this)

3. A picture with a former crush

4. A picture of you very drunk.

5. A picture of you with a parent or two.

6. A picture of you on your birthday, or your favourite holiday.

7. The youngest picture you can find of yourself in digital form.

8. A picture of you in one of your favourite outfits.

9. A picture of you making a goofy face at the camera

10. A picture of you showing off a new haircut. (even if it's an old haircut now)

11. A picture you miiiiiight have edited to make yourself more attractive.

(photoshopped out the zits)

12. A picture of something that you love.

13. A picture of you truly being yourself

14. The most recent picture of you.

15. A picture of you being absolutely ridiculous.

16.A picture of a time in your life that's over, but you wish it wasn't.

17. A picture of a time in your life that's over, and you couldn't be more happy that it is.

18. A picture with your oldest friend.

(don't have a digital copy of one "with," so i settled for one "of")

19. A picture with your newest friend.

20. A picture of you when you were anything but happy... even if you were smiling and did your best to hide it.

21. A picture of you that you had no idea was being taken.

KB started it.

22. A picture of you when you were a different person than you are now.

and i think she was a different person too. and i don't think either of us is very sad about it.

23. A picture of you in a swimsuit - whether you love it or loathe it.

i have one on under the dress.

24. A picture of yourself that you like.

25. A picture of yourself that you hate.

26. A picture of you with someone you love.

27. A picture of how you'd like the world to see you.

28. A picture that describes how you'd like to spend every day.

29. A picture of a time when everything was changing.

30. A picture that makes your heart hurt.

31. A picture that makes your heart smile.

32. A picture of one of the best nights of your life. (or day)

new car

2009-01-28T09:49:00.001-08:00

sie is here. i am using gender-neutral pronouns with hir as we are still developing a relationship and as such, i have no idea whether my car has a particular gender identity nor what it is. and sie does not yet have a name ... or rather, sie hasn't yet told me what it is.

i did something that has been described using a variety of adjectives - "brave," "crazy," "meat-headed." i purchased a manual transmission vehicle before being a truly skilled stick driver. i had had one lesson - a year and a half ago, with Ceeb, on the WWII jeep - so i knew i wasn't hopeless, but i'd decided i wanted my next car to be a manual if possible, because i was tired of there being something else in the world i didn't know how to do. the downside to this brilliant plan being, of course, that i then purchased a car that i could only touch, look at, sit in, and smell for the first 2 days i owned it (while borrowing Ceeb's truck to get myself back and forth to work).

happily, i managed to cajole a few brave stick-driving souls - namely Booger and Leafity - to take me driving last eve, and i can now (mostly) drive my own car myself. i still stall from time to time - most often because i occasionally forget to put the car back into 1st at stops. i definitely freak-out when parking, although Ceeb found me the PERFECT parking spot last night - a space between 2 open driveways, which allowed me to stall and roll into position (with her on the sidewalk yelling instructions like, "one more lurch and you'll be perfect!"). i am already rejoicing in the fuel efficiency of this bugger (the gas gauge hasn't budge since i've owned it) and the size (i actually sat and stared for a good long minute at HOW SMALL A PIECE OF CURB I PARKED AT last night).

welcome, car. i plan to enjoy the ride.

imposter

2009-01-19T23:40:00.000-08:00

I can't possibly be the person they want in there tomorrow. Of this I'm firmly convinced. My materials suck, my knowledge is sub-par. I don't even have any decent jokes cooked-up. What if they all see I'm planning 3 lectures worth of LGBT health and leave because it's a class full of Republicans? They mixed-up my application with someone else's and accidentally hired me - that must be it. That is the only possible explanation for the fact that I start this job tomorrow and am so COMPLETELY, HORRIBLY UNFIT TO DO SO.

survey me

2008-12-18T11:59:00.000-08:00

1. What are your nicknames?
Dani, Sugarplum (i know, barf), Sweetpea (i know, barf again), Dipshit

2. What's your favourite holiday?
my birthday, 'cause i can do insanely stupid things in celebration of myself and cajole others to come along for the ride.

3. What's new in your life right now?
i just finished the Semester From Hell (TM) and have a month off before i start my new full-time job. WOO!!!

4. What's the proudest moment you've had this year?
landing said full-time (tenure-track faculty) job. apparently i can teach. who knew?

5. Are you an introvert or extrovert?
i love jazzhands entirely too much not to be an extrovert.

6. What books are you currently reading?
the mageborn traitor by melanie rawn
hyperion by dan simmons

7. What celebrity do you have a crush on?

ceeb and i have a Rachel Maddow Escape Clause in our relationship agreement. as in, if one of us ever left the other for Rachel Maddow, that person would be devastated, but would completely understand.

8. What is your favorite drink?
diet coke/hot chocolate/a mojito (depending on the circumstance & time of day)

9. Is there anything that makes you unhappy these days?
people who don't know me/have never met me who think i'm evil/bad/an abomination because i'm queer. there are WAY better reasons to consider me an abomination. seriously.

10. When was the last time you sent somebody a letter and/or care package?
i mailed all our holiday cards 2 weeks ago.

11. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
about an hour. depends where i'm going, whether i'm in a glasses mood that day and how hot i wanna look (translation - makeup or no?)

12. Name something you would never wear.
real fur. ewwwwwww.

13. What's your favorite thing to cook?
stew in the crockpot

14. Do you like to clean?
not particularly, but i enjoy the results so i deal. although there is something satisfying about doing the laundry. it'd be more satisfying if i didn't have to haul down the street with quarters to do it.

15. What's the last song that got stuck in your head?
My Moon, My Man by Feist

16. What was the first band you ever saw live?
NKOTB, Giants' Stadium, 1989.

17. What's your favorite animal?
the naked mole rat, aka "the sabertooth sausage"

18. What would you do if you ever saw $100 lying on the ground?
look around to see if anyone was frantic like he/she/zie'd just lost $100 ... if not, put it in my pocket and take it to the ATM to drop it into my savings.

19. Name one movie you can quote for hours.
So I Married an Axe Murderer

20. What would be the best gift someone could give you?
anything skull/bones-themed.

21. Something that makes me happy:
ecclectic celebrations of the dance. fosse, fosse, fosse. madonna, madonna.

disturbing

2008-12-15T17:50:00.001-08:00

Budweiser makes a new drink, comprised of Bud + Clamato juice. And there are apparently people who drink it.

Nascar has come out with its own line of shoes. And they certainly understand their niche market.

Freedom isn't free, and neither is accidentally blowing off 3 of the fingers on your left hand.

Go Girl energy drink. Enough said.

our tree

2008-12-10T13:36:00.000-08:00

Ceeb surprised me with this when I arrived home from work yesterday. The cellphone picture doesn't really do it justice - it's made entirely of purple tinsel and purple lights. It is almost certainly the gay sibling of the tree from A Charlie Brown Christmas.

breakfast

2008-12-04T09:28:00.001-08:00

one of the few good things to come out of New Jersey.

bullet list

2008-12-03T16:23:00.000-08:00

home for thanksgiving was surreal. i brought Ceeb, who met my extended family for the first time. it went as well as i could've hoped - i wasn't all that worried, seeing as she's managed to charm the pants off everyone to whom i've ever introduced her. having a partner home was a bit odd though because i kept worrying we were 3rd-wheeling Mom and feeling guilty about it. and then feeling angry and resentful that i felt guilty. and then feeling guilty for feeling angry and resentful. and around and around we go. i always forget how much i intensely dislike the touristy parts of major cities until i'm forced to revisit them - this usually involves my mom, who doesn't really do the "hole in the wall"-type thing so well. so taking Ceeb on her first jaunt to NYC involved Rockefeller Center, the Avenues and Central Park until we couldn't stand the crowds anymore and made a break for Little Italy where i promptly began drinking to calm myself. had it just been the two of us, we likely would've wondered Chelsea and the East Village for most of the day, found our share of used bookstores, gotten purposefully lost on the subway and ended the day at a divey dyke bar. {SIGH} a girl can dream.

i'm having serious age-related culture shock. 2 friends (one of whom is technically the same age as i am) just announced they're pregnant and expecting in June. which is awesome - i love other people's kids and being a Crazy Auntie - it's just ... odd. add i have been ill-advisedly surfing facebook more than usual and keep landing on the profiles of people i tangentially quasi-knew from college who are all way younger than i am and who seem to insist on marrying each other. and i don't get it. because i feel too young to get married and i'm several years older than they are. and i guess i feel especially confounded by this rush-to-marry thing in the wake of Prop 8. even with the "impending doom" of never being able to marry my sweetie hanging over my head i didn't jump in. i don't see what all the straight couples are in such an all-fired hurry about. and i am totally aware of how utterly judgemental that sounds. and i'm also aware that i might be way more worried about it if my partner and i couldn't provide benefits for each other as domestic partners. but somehow i don't think all these kids are getting hitched for dental insurance.

1 word

2008-11-14T09:47:00.000-08:00

Where is your cell phone? purse
Your spouse? smartass
Your hair? bedhead
Your mother? RETIRED!
Your father? missed.
Your favorite thing? comfy
Your dream last night? unhappy
Your favorite drink? mojito
Your dream/goal? house
What room are you in? main
Your hobby? paddling
Your fear? loneliness
Where do you want to be in 6 years? tenure
Where were you last night? Leafity
Something that you aren't? serene
Muffins? gluten-free
Wish list item? teapot
Where you grew up? Pompton
Last thing you did? tea
What are you wearing? yoga
TV? BSG
Your pets? imaginary
Friends? amazing
Your life? frenetic
Your mood? resilient
Missing someone? sometimes
Your car? GUZZLER
Something you're not wearing? shirt
Your favorite store? thrift
Your favorite color? red
When is the last time you laughed? yesterday
Last time you cried? Prop8
Where do you go to over and over? Facebook -_-
My favorite place to eat? Kat's
Favorite place I'd like to be at right now? snuggling

what he said

2008-11-12T08:38:00.001-08:00

as seen on Folsom Street

2008-10-24T14:09:00.000-07:00

OMG, office.

2008-10-17T12:30:00.000-07:00

For those who aren't up on my sitch, I've landed a new job here.
"New job" as in full-time tenure-track faculty position that I start in January.
I applied in August and went through interviews and it went ... well, apparently.
I got to see my office yesterday. Naturally I moved in some stuff and took pictures.
The fact that I not only have a (pending) full-time job but also my own office is not at all lost on me.
Naturally I made a trip to the nearest Ikea location to procure necessary organizational and decorational items which will be put in place sometime this weekend.
Because I am a collosal, over-excited dork. As per the pictures.

Hey Sarah Palin

2008-10-15T21:21:00.000-07:00

lipstick

2008-09-14T11:55:00.000-07:00

pre-interview

2008-09-12T09:57:00.000-07:00

waiting to start first interview for full-time faculty position.
excited, but very nervous.
so nervous, stomach butterfly-y, hands shaky, teeth tingly.
am i the only person in the world whose teeth get tingly when she's incredibly nervous?
construction in progress on campus, fire alarm going off in lobby where i'm sitting. is not helping nerves.
fire alarm has stopped and all is quiet. is not helping nerves.

please don't vote for this

2008-09-09T12:19:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure what disturbs me most - her outfit, her expression, the gun or the fact that she hangs out with people who drink Schlitz.

visions of a 2nd anniversary

2008-09-06T23:33:00.000-07:00

holiday

2008-09-06T12:53:00.000-07:00

am currently ensconced in the Suburbia house, otherwise known as the Casa de T & A. it is a beautifically sunny day in Santa Cruz. i am drinking a Bloody Maria and wearing Old Man Pants. last night we had the great pleasure of staying at Srta. T's new B&B, which was lovely. today is the 2nd annual Ceeb & Dani Day, which is just plain crazy, because she is not sick of me yet. now we are playing Jungle Speed and I'm listening to Ceeb and A talk shit, which is highly entertaining. life is good.

i don't know if i feel better or worse ...

2008-09-02T17:23:00.000-07:00

my newest love

2008-08-16T15:30:00.001-07:00

my only lament is that i've managed to tear through both seasons of The IT Crowd in 2 weeks and am now back to having nothing to watch.

today's wardrobe selection

2008-08-05T22:27:00.001-07:00

... really speaks for itself

just because

2008-08-01T13:17:00.001-07:00

some surprise their girlfriends with flowers.
i opt for a different route.

(the attached signs say "hers" and "hers")

as seen on Ceeb

2008-07-29T10:52:00.001-07:00

10 points if you can guess where

an ode

2008-07-21T18:40:00.001-07:00

not all who break out their laptops in bars are anti-social.

(some of us have been stood-up by our dates and forgot our books)

highlights o' my day

2008-07-08T22:22:00.000-07:00

- finally getting my bridesmaid dress for Kitti & Vin's nuptuals designed/ordered.

- Thrifty rainbow sherbet for breakfast.

- SadTrombone.com

note to self

2008-07-07T15:57:00.000-07:00

stop reading xkcd while proctoring exams, lest your students lynch you for all the snorts and guffaws you're failing to cover at each mention of Summer Glau.

ungodly.

2008-07-07T06:12:00.001-07:00

i have absolutely no desire to be awake right now, but am entirely too panicked about all the work i didn't do during my week off not to be. it appears that i have forgotten how to vacation. fucking fuck.

more wedding pictures

2008-07-02T08:31:00.000-07:00

further pictorial documentation of Olliba 2008, wherein I sport a dastardly concoction from the evil empire otherwise known as David's Bridal (a pox upon their house and all who enter).

happy birthday

2008-07-01T08:30:00.000-07:00

Dad would've been 60 today.

lastday

2008-06-27T11:46:00.000-07:00

... at my day job, which means i have little to do and am spending an inordinate amount of time reading xkcd.

today's wardrobe selection redux

2008-06-26T10:11:00.000-07:00

because, clearly, the fossil record is the work of the devil. thank heaven for intelligently designed fashions.

stress. head. redux.

2008-06-24T11:55:00.001-07:00

rant

2008-06-22T18:52:00.000-07:00

i'm in the collosallest of collosal bad moods. seriously. i am a giant pile of bad vibey goo. and after spending last night sitting around in my underwear watching Annie Hall and eating ice cream, i keep waiting for Woody Allen to stroll through the door and ask if i'm on my period.

no, no i'm not.

all these feelings are jammed up with nowhere to go, and in part i'm just sick of talking about it. i have too much on my plate right now - who fucking cares? i don't get to see the people i love as much as i'd like - who fucking cares? i don't know what i want to be when i grow up, and even if i did i wouldn't know how to make it happen - who fucking cares? i feel like i absolutely suck at everything right now - i'm a bad teacher, a bad employee, a bad friend, a bad partner ... nothing else to it. no matter how many times my students tell me i'm the best prof they've ever had, or my boss tells me i fucking rock or Ceeb tells me she loves the shit out of me ... it just doesn't matter. none of it gets through my thick, Neanderthal skull.

so i will treat this the only way i know how. i will hole-up in my apartment listening to Sleater-Kinney about it. i will eat a pepperoni pizza about it. i will watch BSG about it. and then i will fall asleep hoping that somehow, magically, this will all have disappeared by the time i open my eyes in the morning.

reminder to the man on the street

2008-06-20T15:37:00.000-07:00

yes, i have a modest/average-sized rack. yes, i carry The Girls around with me on most, if not all, days of the week. no, i'm not ashamed nor afraid of them. i'd even go so far as to describe them as "entertaining" or "mildly amusing" from time to time. quit looking at me like i'm your next meal because i decided to wear my new shirt, which is a bit form-fitting. until i walked by you, it felt cute and wonderful, rather than icky and "what does she expect, wearing something like that?" this shirt isn't for you, or you, or even you. get your own pair, and a life while you're at it.

in other news ...

2008-06-13T16:38:00.000-07:00

i have fallen madly in love with this cat and now desperately want to rescue a Sphynx.

today's wardrobe selection

2008-06-10T10:52:00.001-07:00

believe it, bitches.

land of the living

2008-06-03T12:30:00.000-07:00

yeah, yeah ... i've been incommunicado for a while. April sucked ass and May wasn't much better, but June's lookin' to be pretty sah-weet. My Berkeley grades went in Friday. The Olliba Wedding Extravaganza came to a reluctant close on Saturday night. My Oakland grades went in yesterday. I celebrated by indulging in some seriously cute shoes (pix forthcoming) and donning skinny jeans - something I never thought possible. My new semester of Berkeley classes starts tonight. The conference around which my UCSF job has revolved starts this Thursday. Saturday I get to start bridesmaid dress scouting with Kitti and Mal. Sounds like one big vacation to me.

blitzkrieg bop

2008-04-06T21:20:00.001-07:00

the most magical part of my weekend was staying up 'till the wee hours of Friday night/Saturday morning playing Rockband with Zero, Kitti, Booger and Ceeb. we made a triumphant tour of both San Francisco and Seattle (or was it LA?) before succumbing to the effects of Pearl's Phatburgers and Sailor Jerry's Spiced Rum. friends, Rockband, milkshakes and rum = a girl's best friend.

the thing about April

2008-04-03T10:51:00.001-07:00

in short, you're just not gonna see or hear from me, pretty much at all. in part 'cause i'm a dumbass, in part 'cause i'm over-eager, in part 'cause there are about 12 different things i can see myself being when i grow-up, in part 'cause i want to have an actual, like, career someday, in part 'cause i want to have enough in the bank to be financially stable ... wow, thatsa lotta parts. so i still teach all day monday in berkeley, and on tuesday and thursday nights in oakland. and then 2 weeks ago i picked up a new rad day job doing women's/queer advocacy stuff in the city. and this sunday i start teaching a weekend course i'm designing and running for the first time myself (also in oakland), which is pretty cool. oh yeah, and i'm still teachnically doing some ortho research and in the process of writing a paper. ask me if i've done my taxes yet and you lose it.

see ya in may!