your first love, in great detail

i met Case sophomore year of high school, at a statewide conference where overachieving 16-year-olds from all over NJ got together to out-overachiever one another. nothing romantic happened at the time - we were there for just a weekend and i had a steady boyfriend at home - but we kept in touch throughout the following years. we would run into each other on occasion since we were both in marching bands that sometimes competed against each other. mostly we wrote the occasional letter since AOL wasn't even up and running yet.

we ran into each other again senior year, at marching band championships. we started talking and the next thing we knew it was an hour later and the respective friends we'd been hanging with had ditched and left us alone together. again, nothing romantic happened - i had yet another steady boyfriend - but it suddenly occurred to me that i wanted to spend more time with this person. so we would hang out in ways that were completely respectful of my relationship, one or the other of us driving the 10 miles between - Case said later that he was always left feeling like something was "unfinished" after these times together. months later said steady boyfriend and i parted ways and Case and i kissed for the first time. i wasn't okay with this for lots of reasons - i was fresh out of a relationship and felt it would be rude to my ex to jump into a new relationship so soon. in addition, Case and i were both about to graduate from high school and head off to our respective college lives -- the end of senior year was not the time to be starting a serious relationship, and i couldn't see being anything but serious with a person i cared about as much as i cared about him. so i hedged and i dodged and we kept spending time together and i finally gave in to the fact that regardless of timing or practicality or what anyone else might think, i was falling for this person. i was only 18, but i knew i was falling in love.

so amid the trite rituals of finishing high school - AP tests and proms and graduations and such - we found space for us. AOL was the thing at this point and when we couldn't get out to see each other we would have online chat-dates. we would sneak off to his house when his parents were away for the weekend and he would play the piano and sing for me and we would kiss and hold each other in the dark, trying not to think about leaving. we talked about being "each other's firsts" and planned for it in the way that only geeks can do, and then never really got around to it, as time constraints aren't always the best at inspiring sexytimes. in my first hint of possible future inclinations, i cheated on him with one of my closest friends and suddenly had a new understanding of how easy it was to accidentally hurt someone in such a way. on our last days together he took me to his favorite, secret spot at Point Pleasant Beach, a spot he had found as a kid and always dreamed of bringing a girl he loved. i tried not to cry but one tear fell on his toe, punctuating our predicament. love or no, we knew it wasn't realistic to go off to college and stay together - we each had too much growing to do, but thinking of doing that growing without each other was incredibly painful. we didn't think of it as breaking up as much as setting each other free.

before we left we traded sweatshirts so we could each have something that smelled like the other. and then off we went. and our relationship deteriorated from there. staying connected the way we'd been through the beginning of freshman year away wasn't possible, and the attempt strained our interaction. suddenly things that hadn't before been an issue were. we made plans to see each other when he was in-state for another reason but cancelled them. we planned to see each other at Thanksgiving, and he asked me to bring his sweatshirt with me to return it. after this, we didn't see or talk to each other much - occasional visits throughout college when we were both home - and it was never the same. during the summer between junior and senior years i flew to where he was living to visit for a long weekend, and we reconnected a bit - mostly for the sake of drinking wine and fucking - and i was painfully aware that things still weren't quite right. the last time i spoke to him was right after i moved to San Francisco, about 10 years ago. i dream about him once in a great while, wonder how he is more often than that, hope he is well.